Grief: How To Breakthrough After A Loss

Myths and Facts of Grief

1. Everyone grieves the same way. There are as many different ways to experience grief as there are people on the planet. Though many will experience most if not all of the stages of grief, the way each person experiences those stages can be vastly different. Some may move quickly through some of the stages while others will stay in a particular stage for weeks.
2. The pain will be less if you act like it never happened. Acting like it never happened does not allow you to grieve the loss. It did happen. It did hurt and still does and your life will forever be altered by the loss. The best way to “get over it is to go through it.”
3. Your grief will last about _____. You fill in the blank. There is no set number of months for grief. We all experience it in our own way and in our own time. Be patient with yourself, others and the process.
4. Grief support groups will make me more depressed. Grief groups can help us to see that they things that we experience in grief are normal. It is normal to be angry, sad, depressed, having difficulty gathering your thoughts and be withdrawn from those around you. Often the destructive voice in us can tell us that what we are experiencing is just us. “You are going crazy,” it will tell you and “no one else have ever experienced what you have”. None of these things are true. The right grief support group can offer clarity to your grief and loss even if you share very little in those groups.
5. It's been 6 months, you should be over it by now. There are no time lines for grief. Everyone grieves differently and we should be patient with ourselves and others during the process. The emphasis should never be on quickly getting through. We should do our best to work through every stage of grief but not put a timeline on our suffering.
6. God needed them in heaven. I don't think that God needs anything nor is He experiencing lack. Statements like this can give us a twisted idea of God and cause greater pain for those who have lost someone. The best way to describe God during times of loss is the one who is present with us during our loss. In scripture we see Jesus crying over the loss of a friend and grieved when seeing the pain of others.
7. By not discussing your loss you can get over it faster. This is certainly not true. The opposite is actually the case, The more you talk about it, journal about it and grieve it, the faster you will be to get through it.
8. One day you will get over it. Will there be a point in time where the loss is not as great as it is now? Yes, if it is like most who have lost someone they loved. But we will never really “get over it”. There was a person you loved and lost. No one else can fill that spot. The pain will always be present but it will lessen over time.
9. If you don't cry, it means you are not sorry for the loss. A good friend of mine lost her 5 year old son to cancer. For the first 3 months following his death she felt no emotions and could not cry. She had cried so much during his illness that she had difficulty crying after he was gone. In time the tears came and they were completely beyond her control.
10. Moving on with your life means that you are forgetting the one you lost. Moving on with life means that you are accepting the loss and trying to make the best use of it. The pain will always be present and we can be grateful that we had them in our lives for a short time.

20 Ways To Thrive While Grieving Part

1. Tell your story. Don't keep your feelings to yourself. You have a story that is unique to you that would be of help to others. You may ask,”Who can I share it with?”
   1. Community group on grief.
   2. Sharing with friends.
   3. Share with a Pastor or Clergy.
2. Pray. What do I mean when I speak of praying? Open and honest communication with God.
3. Ask people to pray for you.
4. Be patient with yourself. If you are normally an impatient person then this will be very difficult to do. Realize that grief is a process. This will take time. It will still be painful. You will think you are over one part of it and the same pain will return again. Be patient. It is a process.
5. Read uplifting material. Things that will take your mind off of the pain or inspire you. Is there an author you like? If so read his books. Is there a genre of books you enjoy? If so read them.
6. Listen to inspiring speakers. Is there a speaker you really enjoy? If not then YouTube some topics that are of interest to you and see who comes up.
7. Listen to inspiring music. Whatever kind of music you enjoy, listen to it. Inspirational music can take you to a state of forgetting your loss for a few moments.
8. Find things to be grateful for. Gratitude helps us see past the pain of the moment and discover that there are things we should be grateful for. Make a list of things you are grateful for.
9. Do something for someone else. Helps to get your eyes off of your own pain and regain perspective.
10. Listening to others and their pain. Call and check up on someone else. Visit a nursing home. Go by someones house who is hurting.

11. Cry when you feel like it.
12. Exercise. Exercise releases endorphin's in the brain that aid in the grief process. It is a stimulant that helps you process the gamut of emotions that accompany grief.
13. Get outside. Breathe in the air. Experience the creation. Feel the sun on your face and the wind in your hair. Notice the flowers and the trees. Hear the bird chirping. It does not matter if you sit, or stand or run outside just get there.
14. Meditation. Focus on slowly breathing in and out. When your thoughts wonder, and they will, bring them back to focusing on your breathing.

• sit upright in a chair
• listen to wordless music
• slow focused breathing
• relax all of your body parts

15. Meditate on a scripture or inspiring quote. 1 Chronicles 28:20 Kind David gives some instructions to his son Solomon. “Be strong and brave. Get to work. Don't be afraid. Don't lose hope. The LORD God is my God. He is with you. He won't fail you.”
16. Diminish or eliminate caffeine intake. Caffeine is a stimulate that quickly becomes a depressant. It does take you up but will let you down quickly. It can make emotional times harder to manage. If at all possible limit it or eliminate it.
17. Attend a worship service. If you don't have a place to go find one. If you would prefer to go to a place sometime where no one knows you then go. They can be a great way to receive inspiration and edification of your spirit.
18. Commit to using your loss for the good of others. Allow the pain that you have gone through to be a help to others. A friend of mine says, “Never waste a bad experience without learning something from it.”
19. Stay active. Don't quit. Give up or give in. Be doing something. Force yourself to get out of bed in the morning. Go to the store, go to work, go to the park. Keep moving and keep active.
20. Don't give up. I know it is hard. I know the pain is unbearable. I know you think you are not going to make it but don't give up. Commit to doing whatever is necessary to make it through the loss.

Roadblocks to Overcoming Grief

1. Self-Pity. Woo is me. Look how bad I have it. Some people live with a perpetual sense of pity. They seem to think they have had it worse than anyone else and no one else knows just how bad it has been. Pity finds its source in the response to the loss and not the loss itself. Those who walk around with self-pity think they have it because of all the bad things that have happened in their life. But thats not the case. Others have had greater pain than the pity filled person but they have responded to it differently. A friend of mine has had spinal cancer for years is now unable to walk. He has had multiple surgeries, radiation and is still no better. The Doctors have told him they have done all that they can do and it is only a matter of time till he dies. It seems like he would have a great deal of self-pity, especially after all that has happened to him. But that is not the case. He has a great attitude. His email signature says this, “ Today is a great day to be alive.” When I ask him how he is doing? His answer is, “I am blessed.” Self pity is a chosen response and you and I can rise above it.
2. Self destructive behaviors.
What is a self destructive behavior? Alcohol, drugs, over eating, pornography, etc. Anything in your behaviors that you know is not good for you. If you are hiding it from others that may be a good sign you should not be doing it. Avoid self-destructive behaviors. Those who face grief while struggling with addictions must be extra careful to avoid at the addiction. Medicating the grief with an addiction will make the grief drastically worse and possibly life threatening.
3. Isolation. Avoiding contact with others. Staying in your shell. Not talking about the pain. In the christian tradition, isolation can be a tool of the enemy that sometimes talks in our head. He will say things like, “no one has ever gone through what you have.” “You are alone.” “No one loves you or cares about you.” “You are a failure.” Don't allow isolation to keep you from the healing that can be yours. Get out of the house. Get active and get involved in things that are helpful to your healing.
4. Fear. Grief takes us into painful realities that can scare us to death. There is the fear of the unknown, fear of the future and the fear of the process. All of these things are normal. Let me say that again. All of these things are normal. The fear I am talking about here is “obsessive fear”. What is obsessive fear you may ask? Constantly obsessing on the things that scare you are damaging to you. You replay the fear again and again in your mind till it completely overwhelms you. It can consume your thought process. How do you get over this you might ask?
Focus your attention on something else. Do something and give your complete attention to it. Focus on a task. Build something, plant something, write something. Do something that you can focus your attention on. Attention to the other task will give your mind a break from the obsessive fearful thoughts.
5. Unforgiveness. Our inability to forgive other people, God or ourselves can make breaking through grief all but impossible. This one behavior acts as a cancer that destroys us. You may say, “But I don't feel like it”. Of course you don't. the greater the offense the harder it is to forgive. You may say, “ They don't deserve it.” That may be true. They may not. But all of us have done things that God did not have to forgive us for and he did. Make the choice to forgive.

• The story of Joseph in Genesis.
• Joseph refused to allow bitterness and resentment to ruin his life. He could have refused to forgive his brothers. After all they did not deserve it. He saw that his grief and loss actually served to help him and not hurt him. Joseph said that what his brothers meant for evil God meant for good.
• John Walsh

How can you turn your loss into something that will be helpful to you or to someone else?
Your pain can help someone else. It's time to start using it for the good.

• The story of Emma
• Dietrich Bonhoffer offers some more thoughts on grief when he wrote…
  
  “There is nothing that can replace the absence of someone dear to us, and one should not even attempt to do so. One must simply hold out and endure it. At first that sounds very hard, but at the same time it is also a great comfort. For to the extent the emptiness truly remains unfilled one remains connected to the other person through it. It is wrong to say that God fills the emptiness. God in no way fills it but much more leaves it precisely unfilled and thus helps us preserve -- even in pain -- the authentic relationship. Further more, the more beautiful and full the remembrances, the more difficult the separation. But gratitude transforms the torment of memory into silent joy. One bears what was lovely in the past not as a thorn but as a precious gift deep within, a hidden treasure of which one can always be certain.”

How do you Breakthrough the Grief? What is the secret? Let me give you two closing thoughts…

1. Choose joy. Allow your pain and grief of your loss to be turned into silent joy. “One bears what was lovely in the past not as a thorn but as a precious gift deep within, a hidden treasure of which one can always be certain.” You may say, “How can I be joyous in grief?” Have Joy for what you had. Joy for the memories and the pain. Joy of the good times and the bad. Joy for the laughter and the tears. Your life today is richer because the person you lost was a part of it.

Will it hurt? Yes it will because there is nothing or no one that can fill their place. They were there for a moment and now they are gone. And at times the pain will be unbearable. Choose joy.

2. Share it. Share what you have learned on your journey through grief with others. There are many who need someone who has gone through what you have. Share with them your story. Be present with them in their suffering. We are not there to fix anything but rather to simply be present. It will help them and you will be glad you did. Share it.

I want to thank you for participating in this course. I am honored to have shared this time with you. If you have not already shared your story with me please do so. I would love to hear it.

Let me leave you with Davids instructions to his son Solomon. “Be strong and brave. Get to work. Don't be afraid. Don't lose hope. The LORD God is my God. He is with you. He won't fail you.”